The merchant of menace

18 July 08 | 21:44

I may have mentioned it before, but this review playthrough of the Dragon Quest IV remake is the first time I've ever played the game, period. (Unless you count a couple of hours with the import version of the same remake, but eh.) I've just now reached chapter three and the tale of Torneko, aka Taloon, now properly known as Torneko Taloon, who like his friend Ragnar McRyan seeks to appease both Japanese language edition purists and NES translation purists alike. Such purity, indeed!

Anyway, Torneko is awesome. I understand can see how he launched his own cottage industry of roguelikes -- his chapter of the game is unlike anything I've ever experienced in a console RPG. It's more like something out of Ultima Online, really.


You probably already know this, but Torneko's chapter isn't about saving the world or anything, although he does eventually become caught up in the game's bigger plotline, which does indeed involve saving the world from grim and certain disaster. But he starts out as a simple, unassuming merchant, a modest family man seeking to make his fortune in the world by traveling the deadly wastes to find somewhere to set up his shop. Much of his story, I've found, involves going to work every day and trading with a steady stream of customers, slowly building up his earnings until he can afford to buy the gear necessary to strike out on his own and find success. Every once in a while, you'll get lucky and someone will come trade a phenomenally expensive item which nets Torneko a huge commission... but mostly slow and steady does it.

It's not very exciting, and I feel like I should hate the repetitive randomness of the whole process, but I'm really enjoying it. Torneko's nine-to-five is a welcome counterpoint to the usual monster-slaying and level-grinding of console RPGs, and Torneko himself is incredibly likable despite having no dialogue whatsoever. He's a stout fellow with a loving family and a hometown rife with Cockney accents, for some reason, and such is the nature of Dragon Quest's minimalist style that these minor attributes are sufficient to make him thoroughly endearing. I'm starting to understand why this series is such a monster in its native land.

Uh, and I was lying about the menace thing. Torneko's pretty much the opposite of menacing. I just thought it was a punchy title. Surely you don't expect journalistic integrity here, of all places.

(Completely fantastic image swiped from FFVII Citadel)

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To the metal

17 July 08 | 22:48

I just flew in from E3, and boy are my legs tired. Yeah, legs. What, did you think this was a joke? No. The first thing I did upon getting home, you see, was spend an hour on the exercise bike. That exercise regimen I started up a month ago? I've actually managed to stick with it every single day for, by my count, 26 days. I'd be at a full month now if E3 hadn't taken me away for three days and plopped me in a hotel more concerned with looking rustic and Moroccan than in offering guest amenities like an exercise room. And no way was I jogging in L.A. -- if the humidity and pollution didn't kill me, the aggressive, wild-eyed homeless guy who stinks of human feces would have instead.

Anyway, it's good to be back in the routine. Honestly, my legs feel better tonight for having exercised. I spent my entire time at the LACC feeling stiff and slightly achy for not stretching them enough. Working out has become the one thing I totally look forward to every evening; I've moved my way up from that painful first day and my desperately agonizing twelve-minute/four-mile workout to 50-55 minutes and 18 or 19 miles every time. And where at first I struggled to deal with 3/8 resistance, now I spend most of my time at 3/8 or 4/8 and jump up to max resistance for short sprints. I don't have a scale, so I can't weigh myself, but I'm about to have to take in my belt another notch (the second since I bought this belt in February), so it must be having some effect. And I'm in a consistently better mood, too, with far less time spent in the doldrums.

Why didn't you people tell me exercise was so good for me sooner? Jerks.

Anyway, you don't really deserve it after letting me down like that, but we've recorded one of the best episodes of Retronauts ever. It's not the usual crew or the usual format, but I think that's part of what makes it so good -- it was something different, and we had to keep it quick and punchy to make room for 1UP Yours. I had been considering closing down the podcast, since the existing format has really run its course... but now I think I want to use this episode as a springboard to revitalize it. We shall see!

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Valkyria, profiled

16 July 08 | 23:06

It was written much too hastily between interviews today, and the final product is a bit messy and borderline incoherent in places. But if my Valkyria Chronicles preview inspires even one person to check the game out and support the creation of things that are as innovative as they are beautiful, then my trip to E3 will have been a success. That screenshot you're seeing above? That's in-engine. An actual battle screenshot. Not FMV, not a bullshot -- that's what the game really looks like. Except that in action, it's even more wonderful, complete with sound effects displayed as printed words. Also: Aika! The most lovable character from Skies of Arcadia's cast has become a digital actress working in new role. And she's allergic to pollen, apparently.

In fact, there's much more to the game than that preview touches on -- not only Aika's pollen allergy and other such minor character details that randomly affect combat, but the way certain warriors work better when grouped together on the battlefield, and the way characters can crouch for cover during combat, and how cover can be destroyed by tanks, and...well, anyway. It's no longer a foregone conclusion that Fallout 3 will be the best RPG released in October, is what I'm saying. The twenty minutes I played of Valkyria convinced me that it is absolutely spectacular.

P.S., Mega Man 9's box art is also spectacular, albeit in a completely different way.

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I beat Mega Man 9

16 July 08 | 10:25

Yes, that's right: I beat Mega Man 9 this morning.

Well, I beat as much of Mega Man 9 as one could reasonably claim to have beaten at this point. The E3 demo is limited to just two stages, Plug Man and some other goon -- sorry, their names aren't given, but I'm assuming it's probably Concrete Man. The former's stage is pretty clearly Plug Man's, since the boss they show at the level select has a plug for a hand and a pair of A/C prongs on his shoulders. Also, his stage is full of electricity, and there are giant A/C jacks in the background. You know those big-ass jacks you plug a washing machine or refrigerator into? Yeah, these are way bigger than that. The other dude, though, I dunno. He's reddish and rounded and lives in the forest. He's just some guy.

I didn't even get to face off against either of the bosses! The demo ends as soon as you reach their chambers. However, I can safely say that even making it that far was the toughest time I've had with a Mega Man game since a much younger version of myself struggled through the original game twenty years ago.

According to Capcom's reps, only the company's internal people have managed to finish both stages. So, I had pride on the line and stuff. I asked if I could have one of their amazing MM9 "box art" T-shirts if I won -- it's truly a thing of glory, with badly-airbrushed Mega Man, a cyborg Dr. Wily and even the classic Capcom first-gen-NES grid background -- but alas, only a handful exist and belong to the game's internal staff. I pressed on regardless. Behold, the fruits of my labor!

This is where, uh, Concrete Man should live, I guess. This was the easy stage; the only real sticking point is the trio of giant robot elephants which live right before the mid-stage checkpoint. The secret, I learned, is to attack aggressively, Contra-style. Once you're past them, the rest of the stage is a breeze.


But man, Plug Man's stage. Holy crap. I said that I was almost looking forward to the disappearing block sections of the game, but... I think maybe I've changed my mind. This stage is insane -- it makes the block sections of Heat Man's level in MM2 look like a pleasant stroll. I mean, at least for Heat Man you can grab Item-2 and sail on past. Not here; aside from the fact that you only have the Rush Coil in the demo, the block layouts are really intricate and cramped, so you couldn't easily fly past. And once you get past the main gauntlet of blocks (which incorporates every disappearing block trick in the book), you still have to content with shadow Mega Man clones that materialize out of the air and rush at you. And tricky platforms with respawning cylinder robots that knock you out of your jump. And one final disappearing block gauntlet which requires perfect timing to avoid bumping your head and falling into a bed of spikes.

The thing is, I never once felt frustrated. Every time I died -- and I died a hell of a lot -- I knew exactly what I did wrong. I never felt like the game was cheating, or that poor controls had screwed me over, or that crappy level design was boning me. Someone at GAF was sulking about how wah wah Parish reamed Ultimate Ghosts 'N' Goblins he's gonna pan MM9 too, but that's silly. For one thing, two years is much too long to be sulking about someone calling out a crappy game. Seriously, guys, it's time to let go and heal your souls. And two, UGnG is, well, a crappy game, one where nearly every death feels arbitrary, unavoidable or completely random. What I've played of MM9 is the precisely the opposite: A beautiful example of how to create a viciously hard game that feels challenging rather than cheap. When I cleared Plug Man's stage, I felt like I'd earned a hard-fought victory; when I beat UGnG, I was just relieved not to have to play a poorly-crafted gauntlet of crap anymore. I mean, the game had its moments, but the aggregate was awful. But I'm all for tough games...when they don't suck.

And MM9, it doesn't suck. That sound you're hearing? It's an angelic host signing hosannahs of Capcom's redemption.

P.S. -- Watch your podcast feeds tomorrow. If you're good, Santa might bring you a surprise!

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Shillin'

15 July 08 | 15:15

It's E3, and I'm picking the show's pitiful corpse of the few bits of meat that interest me, in the form of previews. Actually, the most interesting thing I've played so far is the one game I wasn't assigned to -- Valkyria Chronicles . I already loved its art style, but now that I've played the game I realize it's the world's most perfect combination of tactical strategy, third-person action, Nausicaa and unadulterated wonderfulness. Seriously, it's good, and the presence of Skies of Arcadia 's Aika as a playable character pretty much sealed the deal. Meanwhile....



I had the occasion to play Chrono Trigger for DS. Then I wrote about it. (Spoiler alert: It's Chrono Trigger.) And Mega Man 9 seems as good as I had hoped , but holy crap is it hard. I guess that's good! If a bit humiliatin'.

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Talking time (about Mega Man)

14 July 08 | 23:08

Sadly, I wasn't able to complete Mega Man 5 before my Inafune interview. I breezed through the game right up until Gravity Man, whose constant orientation-flipping absolutely crushes me. I'm not sure why this one boss is so hard! Maybe I will have to use a subweapon after all.



But as it turns out, no harm/no foul -- we didn't actually interview Inafune. Instead, we spoke to Hironobu Takeshita, who I think is probably quite a bit more hands-on with the game than the series' creator anyway. I think it was a pretty decent interview, given that we hadn't been able to play the game ourselves yet. All I've seen so far is the fact that there are only two bosses to fight in the demo version, and that the attract mode graphics channel Osamu Tezuka more vigorously than anything I've ever seen.

I'm happiest that Takeshita echoed some of my own thoughts and comments on the game. It's always nice to know that you're on the same wavelength as a developer, especially when that person is working on a game that's piqued your interest so. And let it be known that Shane Bettenhausen, who joined in for a portion of the questions, came away from the interview willing to reconsider his negative opinion of the game. See, Mega Man is love.

And yes, I asked for Takeshita's opinion on "Air Man Ga Taosenai." If you're gonna do an interview, you gotta do it right.

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Live from E3's shambling corpse

14 July 08 | 14:09

Well, I'm at E3 and trying desperately to drum up content from this farce.

Comical anecdote: there's a massive spike on my server load histogram right about noon -- like, maxing out its resources to the absolute redline. I guess Final Fantasy XIII's Xbox 360 betrayal really did make the Internet melt down. It's not just an empty catchphrase!

Edit: I posted an editorial masquerading as a news piece on this thing. Very exciting! Well, not really. It was a couple of Japanese guys hedging their responses and being interpreted by middle-aged Japanese ladies who have no idea what video games are.

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